This was my original review for Pirates of the Caribbean 1, presented unedited. Sorry, Gore. I figured it out later.

Hidden behind a cringe-inducingly lengthy title, crappy Disney theme park ride origins, and a directorial pedigree almost as low as Michael Bay’s, Pirates of the Caribbean somehow still manages to be the best goddamned pirate movie I’ve ever seen.

Are there pirates? Is the Pope polish? You bet your sweet ass there are pirates. There are pirates overflowing every single frame of this movie. There are good pirates, bad pirates, friendly pirates, sexy pirates, sleazy pirates, clever pirates, stupid pirates, tall pirates, midget pirates, men pirates, women pirates, monkey pirates, white pirates, black pirates, and just when you think you’ve seen all the pirates you can stand, there are zombie pirates.I loved this movie. Loved it. I’m not sure how, but from the first scene (a ghostly encounter with a recently-savaged merchant ship) to the last (a sword-happy coda involving a frilly feathered hat), POTC crams into its generous running time every single thing I’ve ever wanted to see in a pirate movie.

Is there devil-may-care swashbuckling? But of course. In a star-making turn that will be remembered for a loooooooooooong time, Johnny Depp disappears completely inside the guise of Captain Jack Sparrow. Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, this slick bastard jumps over a hell of a lot more than a couple of candlesticks. He’s more monkey than man, cartwheeling through rigging, diving headlong into briny depths, grinning lasciviously at the ladies and, more often, at us. He’s partnered up with increasingly-hunky Orlando Bloom, who looks a tad miffed most of the time, but is no slouch with the blade. Then there’s the sexiest tomboy beanpole on the planet, Keira Knightley, crammed into a period frock but never lacking in the chutzpah. All three partake in a grand finale swordfight, in which Depp and bad guy Geoffrey Rush dance in and out of moonbeams in a manner that Fred Astaire never would have thought of – given that when illuminated, their skin falls off.

Are there feats of naval battle like none we’ve seen before? Hell yes. The Black Pearl and the Interceptor clash at an arm’s length, blasting the shit out of each other’s hulls with cannon balls and cutlery, while their crew swing from the rigging and do pitched battle on the increasingly-unstable decks of their foes’ craft. But stand aside for the later scene where the British navy must defend their vessel against encroaching hoards of zombie pirates, which of course, can’t be killed.

Is there a deft score that thrills in all the right places? Yep. Is there production design equal to the time of day? Indeed. Are there visual effects that are far and away the best of the summer? Sure. Is there a parrot spouting axioms? Of course.

Do I need to go on? Aside from the fact that Jonathan Pryce is absolutely wasted in this movie, the damn thing is perfect. Yeah, it’s too long, but I don’t even care, because while watching it, I was literally thinking to myself that I could watch it for the rest of my life, and be completely happy. Sure, it’s a Gore Verbinski flick, and he’s an artless sod to be sure, but thankfully, in this case, he attempts no hint of pretention, and just lets the flick be what it is: a pirate movie. A bloody brilliant pirate movie.

Bring on a sequel.