“They really knew how to party back in those days.”
There are two types of people in the world: people who think “Qpid” is unbelievably stupid, and people who think it is the greatest thing that ever happened, ever. I am of the latter. Since this episode is going to be nothing but one long “SQUEE!” from me from start to finish, I have no choice but to liveblog it:
Picard is at Tagus III indulging his inner archaeology geek, which is an amateur side of him that I much prefer to his amateur Dixon Hill geek. He’s fretting about how to modulate his keynote address to the archaeology council when Counselor Troi shows up and orders him straight to bed. The Counselor has no idea what a favour she’s done him, because no sooner has Jean-Luc arrived at his quarters and turned down the lights, when he notices a horga’hn sitting idly on the desk – the Risian symbol of fertility – and then Vash, Picard’s playmate from his Risa adventure in “Captain’s Holiday,” emerges from the bedroom, claims to have climbed in through the window (a delectable image in and of itself), and bangs the captain.
Picard is serving Vash some post-sexual tea the next morning when Beverly shows up and shit gets hilarious. “This is, uh, Beverly. Doctor Beverly. Doctor – Doctor Beverly Crusher,” Picard stammers before Beverly whisks Vash off for a tour of the ship and a bit of “we both think of Captain Picard in a sexual way” female bonding. Ira Steven Behr, who wrote “Captain’s Holiday” before quitting the writing staff at the end of Season Three, is back to screenwrite here, and the humour – particularly at the expense of the crew – is in fine form. Vash pinions Riker in Ten Forward when he attempts to pick her up with a cheesy line, and Riker brings Vash to the bridge where she confirms to herself that Jean-Luc told absolutely no one about their relationship. Vash, sex kitten that she is, sits down in the captain’s chair and curls her legs up beneath her, at which point Picard walks in and everyone gives him “the look.” The “your girlfriend is awesome but HOLY SHIT she is not the kind of lady we thought you’d be dating” look.
“The captain is a very private man,” everyone tells Vash, but she ain’t buying it, even though Worf admires her legs – which any human female should take as a compliment IMHO. Vash gets justifiably pissy at Picard at the archaeology reception for keeping her a secret, because being a secret girlfriend sucks. They get in a fight, Picard gets grumpy because he’s in a fight with his girlfriend, and then Q shows up.
Q!
Q insists that he and Picard are friends, and Picard assures him that they’re not, but y’know what? Q’s right. Q and Picard are one of the great bromances of Star Trek history, and in some ways, the best elements of Picard’s evolving personality at this point in the show are a bit, shall we say, “Q-ish.” In fact, mixing up Picard, Vash, Q, and the Tagus affair is a bit of screenwriterly genius – especially given that Q is here, due to his own burdened conscience, to do Picard a favour.
Favours Picard wants: for Q to go away.
Favours Q wants to do for Picard: help him with his speech, take him to the off-limits ruins on Tagus III (in a safari outfit), travel through time to the Tagus III of two billion years ago, etc. Picard tells Riker that Q wants to do something nice for him, and the crew goes to red alert.
Picard sneaks down to Vash’s quarters for a bit of clandestine nookie, or a fistfight, or both. He wants to explain why a captain doesn’t discuss his personal feelings with his crew, but instead discovers that Vash is intending to break into the quarantined Tagan ruins. He accuses her of being a rulebreaker. She accuses him of being a fun-sponge. They each assert to the other that neither of them can change who they are. And then they break up.
Q pops into Picard’s bed. Picard’s wearing the sleep-smock, so this is awkward. But Q announces gleefully that he’s figured out why Picard’s so grumpy: the good captain is in love, and it has emasculated him; and now Q is going to help Picard deal with his vulnerability. Love is a great weakness, according to Q. Picard completely freaks out at Q, tells him to fuck off, and Q decides to take him literally, promising to stand idly by as Vash leads Picard to his destruction. Of course, in Q terms, that’s exactly what he’ll do – except he’ll do it in Sherwood Fucking Forest.
So at the symposium the next day, everything’s going as normally as you’d expect, except that bit by bit, the Enterprise crew is being transformed into Robin Hood and the Merry Men. The girls get hats, Riker gets a quarter staff, Data gets a chicken drumstick. And then Q FLASH! It’s the 12th century.
Let us take a moment to be unbelievably happy with how all this has played out:
Riker is Little John, wearing an animal pelt and carrying his wooden thumping stick. Beverly and Deanna are unnamed Merry “men,” because there weren’t actually any girls in the clubhouse; and besides, Gates McFadden is pregnant. Data is Friar Tuck, while the writers have finally found the exact center of Geordi’s personality, giving him a mandolin and casting him as Alan A’Dale. And then there’s Worf, who is wearing head-to-toe bright red (and tights, no less) as Will Scarlet – and no, he is “NOT A MERRY MAN!” Finally, we have Picard-as-Kermit-as-Robin-Hood, possibly the most adorable cosplay opportunity in television history.
Sir Guy of Gisbourne shows up and they make battle. Gisbourne is played by Clive Revill, who provided the voice of the Emperor in The Empire Strikes Back and is therefore a badass. Arrows are exchanged, although (sadly) we never get to see Picard fire one… which probably would have been enough to make me ejaculate, now that I’m thinking about it, so perhaps it’s better this way. Robin/Picard and his men flee into Sherwood and then Q shows up, dressed in blue satin (!) as the Sheriff of Nottingham. Moving the villain role to Gisbourne and keeping Q/the Sherriff as a wry observer and shit disturber puts “Qpid” into a nice interpretive area of the Robin Hood mythos – in fact, from top to bottom, I maintain that “Qpid” is one of the neatest riffs on Robin Hood since Robin and Marian in 1976.
“If you dare come to Nottingham Castle, blood will be spilt,” Q assures Picard, saying that this fantasy has a life of its own and if Picard does nothing to save Vash, she’ll be beheaded. Over in the castle, Vash is losing her shit as one would expect, while her skeezy (and hilarious) nursemaid offers to drain her fevers away with leeches. Gisbourne gives Vash a chance to keep her head attached to her shoulders by asking her to marry him; Vash being Vash, she goes for it immediately. Meanwhile, back in the forest, Worf breaks Geordi’s mandolin, forever crushing Geordi’s musical ambitions; Troi tries to learn how to fire a bow, but shoots Data in the stomach. On blu-ray, I can see for the first time that Data’s bald head has android access panels on it. Sweet!
Picard goes after Vash himself, and the next scene – in Nottingham courtyard – is a nicely staged bit of business where a peasant wandering around in the background throughout the lengthy dialogue scene is dramatically revealed to be Picard/Robin in disguise. Picard tries to climb through Vash’s window, echoing her arrival in his quarters at the top of the episode, but it’s not as easy as it looks, even though he’s dressed as Robin Hood and looks rather dashing. Picard tries to drag Vash to safety but they just end up bickering at length, with the desperate Picard becoming increasingly desperate in hilarious increments until Gisbourne shows up – and Vash pulls a sword on Picard and hands him over to the bad guy. Q was right! Vash has lead Picard to his undoing! Q is so fascinated by all this that he goes to chat with Vash himself, but discovers that she’s trying to smuggle a letter to Riker. He sentences her to death alongside Picard.
More “hooded man” subterfuge at the top of the final act, as a row of monks files through the foreground of Robin and Marian’s execution party. Picard and Vash come out to be killed, still arguing. Vash claims she pulled the sword on Picard to save his life; they fight and fight and fight until Q tells them to shut up. Fortunately, the monks turn out to be the Merry Men, and before the axe can swing down on Picard’s neck (on blu-ray, the wide composite of the castle has been changed significantly from the original, rather crappy matte), all hell breaks loose.
Buckle them swashes, kids, because Picard and the gang are gonna swordfight their way to the top of the tower. “I’ll have you know I’m the greatest swordsman in all of Nottingham!” Gisbourne snarls. “There’s something you should know: I’m not from Nottingham!” Picard-as-Kermit-as-Robin-Hood replies. Admittedly, this bit isn’t as much fun on blu-ray as it was back in the day, because the stunt doubling comes through loud and clear throughout the swordfight. But whatever: Picard with a sword. Saves the girl. Kisses her the way all women deserve to be kissed. And the party’s over.
Q tries to drive home the point about how love has made Picard weak and vulnerable, the moral of his particular story. Vash rebukes Q, telling him that love has made Picard – and, by extension, all men – noble, courageous, self-sacrificing, tender, and generally awesome. And we’re back to the ship. Except that Vash ain’t there – Q had some things he wanted to discuss with her, including taking her off on a galactic safari. (As we discover on Deep Space Nine a couple of years later, this didn’t go too well.) Vash pops round to say goodbye to the captain, who doesn’t like the plan very much, but kisses her goodbye anyway. And so, Star Trek-style, love wins the day.
Five Enterprises out of five.
Blogging The Next Generation runs every Tuesday as I work my way through every episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation on blu-ray. Season Four is in stores now.